Ancient Woman Shot Trying to Break In to 20-Year-Old's Dorm Room

New York woman Janine Shue, who looked to be ancient but was maybe something like 40ish, was shot and killed Thursday as she attempted to break in to a military cadet's dorm room. As she attempted to climb the fence around the school grounds, her rear end, saggy from age and Cheetos, got caught in the wires, and the school guards shot and killed her, eager to pretend they were at war. "Well, I thought she was Charlie," said cadet Ryan Hooks, "or at least some sort of Commie sympathizer. No one can be that old and foreign-looking without having some sort of Communist sympathies. Sir!" Apparently, Shue made the attempt under the misguided attempt she'd be "getting some" from the cadet in question. Later, it was discovered that the dorm janitor had logged in to the cadet's account and booty-emailed his ex-girlfriend.

Funeral services will be held Saturday, where 21 cadets will pants Shue's coffin simultaneously. "Communists like these kinds of young, supple asses," said Hooks. "This is sort of our way of apologizing."