Woman Falls Into Mass Grave, Dies

Wednesday evening, authorities found local Astoria woman, Janine Shue, 46, dead on top of what appeared to be a massive Indian burial ground. Evidence seems to suggest that Janine went digging around where she shouldn't have, and found a huge mass grave of old, dead Indians. Authorities are still puzzled as to how Shue ended up dead on top of the grave; but Shue's old prison cell mate, Ryan Hooks, told police that Shue "often slips and falls for no good reason at all." When police told Hooks that Shue's lifeless corpse was found on a heap of Indian bones from hundreds of years ago, Hooks replied, "That sounds about right."

Shue's family requests that, in lieu of flowers, mourners erect a tacky memorial at a random New York City street intersection.