Local Man, 25, Dies from Shame

Ryan Hooks, a regular subway rider and generally nude man, died of shame last Thursday when a rider on the W train told him to "put some goddamn clothes on, for god's sake." According to other passengers, this comment caused Hooks to become immediately aware of his own nudity and collapse on the dirty, sticky floor in shame, whereupon he smacked his head of the pointed tip of a passenger's knockoff Prada shoe and died of internal hemorrhaging. "I mean, I'm not surprised," said Janine Shue, a cleaning woman who cleaned Hooks' filthy house once a month. "I would often say things like, 'Oh, did you forget your pants again today?' but he always seemed to think I was making a joke. Maybe he needed glasses. The no clothes, that was not appealing."

The incident caused a five-minute delay on the Broadway Local train, causing subsequent reports of mass urination on Hooks' grave.