In a poorly planned maneuver, Astoria resident Ryan Hooks, 35, attempted to Biblically love a polar bear at the Central Park Zoo. After briefly mounting the bear, he was torn to shreds and eaten summarily. Shocked onlookers were torn between their desire throw up and their desire to masturbate at the spectacle. According to onlooker Janine Shue, who chose both options, it was "the most nauseating, sexy scene I ever bore witness to at the zoo. Well, at this zoo, anyway." She then excused herself to use the nearest private washroom. According to the zookeeper, this event was a mixed blessing, as they were out of the bear's favorite dog food anyway, and Trader Joe's was all the way at the other end of the stupid island.
A wake featuring Hooks' bloody pinky-finger bone will be held at an undisclosed midtown location for gawkers and aspiring documentarians.
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