Ryan Hooks, a too-old Astoria man, was impaled Sunday by his own breakfast utensil. "He was just there, stuffing his fat gay face with bacon and some cheeselike thing when all of a sudden he missed his mouth, and the fork went right into his eye," said Janine Shue, Hooks' regular breakfast friend. "It was unbelievable. He fell forward and drove the fork in deeper. I never knew plastic silverware was capable of killing a man." Hooks was taken immediately to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead on arrival.
Hooks is survived by Arthur, his cute mutt dog and only redeeming quality. Donations for his pauper's funeral accepted at the St. Matthew Church for Non-Jesus-Hated Gays.
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