Ancient Woman Shot Trying to Break In to 20-Year-Old's Dorm Room

New York woman Janine Shue, who looked to be ancient but was maybe something like 40ish, was shot and killed Thursday as she attempted to break in to a military cadet's dorm room. As she attempted to climb the fence around the school grounds, her rear end, saggy from age and Cheetos, got caught in the wires, and the school guards shot and killed her, eager to pretend they were at war. "Well, I thought she was Charlie," said cadet Ryan Hooks, "or at least some sort of Commie sympathizer. No one can be that old and foreign-looking without having some sort of Communist sympathies. Sir!" Apparently, Shue made the attempt under the misguided attempt she'd be "getting some" from the cadet in question. Later, it was discovered that the dorm janitor had logged in to the cadet's account and booty-emailed his ex-girlfriend.

Funeral services will be held Saturday, where 21 cadets will pants Shue's coffin simultaneously. "Communists like these kinds of young, supple asses," said Hooks. "This is sort of our way of apologizing."

Dead Man Found Completely Not Alive

Area local, Ryan Hooks, was found face-down on a street corner, seemingly completely not living. Authorities were called when several people had shouted at him to "move the fuck out of the way," with absolutely no response. Passerby Janine Shue said, "I did everything I could to get him to move. At first I just sighed really loudly, hoping he'd get the point. Then I called him a prick and told him to get the hell out of my way. Then I started hitting him with my backpack. Nothing. He just wouldn't move. Stupid jerk." The lifeless body was finally taken away by police after having collected almost $17 in his up-turned, bloodied hat.

Police confiscated the money and will use it to partially fund the funeral service, which is being held at an undisclosed subway platform.

Small Woman Loses Weight, Dies

Astoria woman Janine Shue, 19, lost 100 pounds over the holiday season and died Tuesday, local authorities reported. Shue, who began the holiday season at 105 pounds, had gastric bypass surgery, which she used in combination with a strict celery and low-fat water diet to lose the weight. "By the end, she was pretty much just a kidney and a couple of gallstones," sad Ryan Hooks, her longtime mailman. "Her bones were nothing more than two-dimensional drawings. It was sort of disturbing. She seemed happy about it, though, right before she died. She had a phobia of anything lard-related, including herself."

Funeral services will be held at the McDonald's on 21st Street and 31st Drive. Mourners will be permitted to order anything off of the dollar menu at a discounted rate.

Astoria Man Stung to Death by Ants

Ryan Hooks, 28, a local Astoria resident and avid ant-farm haver, met with an untimely demise on Tuesday when his embarrassingly large collection of ant farms were destroyed and the ants stung and ate his body. Police are still uncovering evidence, but it appears at this point that a chain reaction set off a series of events that caused all of Hooks's 97 ant farms to fall over, releasing hungry, resentful ants into his home. Neighbor and apparently crazy person Janine Shue told the coroner's office to check for AIDS, claiming she just wanted to hear someone in her life utter the sentence "It's not AIDS; it's just ants."

Hooks will be laid to rest in a thin glass case covered in ants and dirt, as per his family's wishes.

Woman Slain by Sleigh

In an ironic collision between language and mortality, a 41-year-old New York woman, Janine Shue, was slain by a runaway sleigh last Wednesday. Witnesses in Central Park said they saw Shue meandering, some say ambling, aimlessly near a snow-covered hill when someone screamed "Look out!" Shue did not look out and was brutally run down by a sleigh covered in decorative barbed wire. Her corpse was taken out of the park on top of a horse, as her native Asian custom dictated, and laid upon a pile of garbage in New Jersey for three nights. Mourners, such as neighbor Ryan Hooks, came by and paid tribute to the body in his own native custom by spitting on it. Hooks told reporters, "I didn't really know her at all. But there's all these people out here, so I came to see what was happening." Asked if the spitting represented something specific to his culture, Hooks said, "What? No."

Shue's body will be laid to rest, according to custom, in a giant cinder block and sunk into the East River at sundown on the vernal equinox.

Hypochondriac Dies of Everything

In an unusual medical case, Queens resident Ryan Hooks, 40, caught every single disease and died Wednesday, after a brief, fruitless battle with "I might be getting a sore throat; I'm not sure. It's probably just depression." After the AIDS, cancer, ebola, pinkeye, lupus, and whooping cough ravaged his system, Hooks caught a broken leg and tripped in the street, where a taxi hit him just as he suffocated from SIDS. Hooks' dog walker, Janine Shue, showed little reaction upon hearing the news, except slight annoyance. "Well, that's typical. What the hell do I do with this damn dog now? I'm not Asian, you know." Shue was clearly Asian, another disease Hooks had briefly caught.

If anyone wants Hooks' plants and Ikea bookshelf, they will be put out on the curb this Saturday at 1 p.m.

Area Woman Creates Vacuum, Nature Abhors, Woman Dies

Local theoretical physicist Janine Shue, 35, died yesterday in an apparent attempt to destroy the fabric of the universe. Her lab partner, Ryan Hooks, told police that Shue was "trying to figure out a way to create a vacuum big enough to destroy a city. Instead, she just destroyed her own torso." Scientists at the scene said that if Shue had been more successful, she could have ripped a hole in the fabric of space-time, possibly destroying the Earth. Hooks, visibly sad, responded to the scientists, "She'd have liked that."

Donations can be made, in lieu of flowers, to any research facility furthering the efforts of human annihilation.

Man Attempts to Mate with Bear, Is Killed by Bear

In a poorly planned maneuver, Astoria resident Ryan Hooks, 35, attempted to Biblically love a polar bear at the Central Park Zoo. After briefly mounting the bear, he was torn to shreds and eaten summarily. Shocked onlookers were torn between their desire throw up and their desire to masturbate at the spectacle. According to onlooker Janine Shue, who chose both options, it was "the most nauseating, sexy scene I ever bore witness to at the zoo. Well, at this zoo, anyway." She then excused herself to use the nearest private washroom. According to the zookeeper, this event was a mixed blessing, as they were out of the bear's favorite dog food anyway, and Trader Joe's was all the way at the other end of the stupid island.

A wake featuring Hooks' bloody pinky-finger bone will be held at an undisclosed midtown location for gawkers and aspiring documentarians.

Recent Wave of Death Claims Another Victim

New York resident, Janine Shue, 68, is the latest victim of the recent death wave sweeping the globe. She died moments ago in her Astoria apartment, but will not be found for a few days, when the stench will cause suspicion among her neighbors. Authorities continue to struggle with the recent bout of dying that people are doing all over the place. Recent sexual client of Shue's, Ryan Hooks, told police, "I just don't understand it. One minute she was here, providing me comfort and deviant sexual gratification, and now she's gone. It's senseless." Until the death wave passes, authorities are urging everyone to stay inside and inhale the fumes of a fire made of money and fish scales for protection.

Shue is survived by everyone else.

Cougar Killed in Wild Cougar Attack

Woodstock resident Janine Shue, a self-described "real cougar", was killed today after an unfortunate encounter with a wildcat escaped from the Forsyth Park Zoo. Shue, who was discovered with multiple lacerations to her face, neck, and chest, had crammed her ample frame into a top that stated she is a "Sexy Bitch", low-rise jeans that revealed her multiple stretch marks from three kids, and spike heels. Animal Control stated that her garish, age-inappropriate garb "almost certainly" contributed to her death.

Onlookers stated that Shue primarily tried to defend her hairstyle and her knock-off Prada bag, which she picked up on Canal St. in New York City last month. As of this time, the cougar is considered at large and a hero.

Local Man Masturbates Self to Death

Area loner Ryan Hooks, 34, of Purchase, NY, died Thursday of a collapsed prostate and acute losernerditis after a prolonged struggle with internet pornography, loneliness, and social awkwardness. Hooks was frequently seen haunting local Gamestops and Microsoft Stores, often sobbing uncontrollably when employees failed to engage in his desperate attempts to reach out to another human being. Increasingly his social interactions were limited to pizza delivery services and his credit card company, which often issued overlimit fees for Hooks' estimated 78 pornographic website subscriptions.

Hooks is survived by his mother, who was quoted as saying, "Who?" when told of his death. He has bequeathed his estate to his XBox 360 and Kate Mulgrew, best known for her role as Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager.

Area Roommates Die Together, Alone

Astrophysicist Janine Shue and general layabout Ryan Hooks, were found dead in their shared apartment last week. The two were found clutching each other in what police call "A culty-like embrace." Detective Ezekial Ryland continued, "It was pretty gross. I mean, it was like a, what do you call 'em? Death thingy." When prompted with the word "cult," he replied, "Yeah, that." Their sobbing landlady confided that they had been a couple for years, but Ryland interrupted, "Them two? Please, lady. The guy is clearly gay."

Separate services will be held.

Bus Explodes, Woman Dead

Yesterday's headline-making bus explosion has turned out to have only one fatality--local Astoria woman, Janine Shue, 38--who, ironically, was not even on the bus. Shue was tying her shoe at a stoplight on 85th and Amsterdam when the mechanically doomed bus exploded, sending shrapnel into her neck area. Everyone on the bus miraculously escaped unharmed, and in the chaos of the aftermath, Shue's body was left to empty itself, unnoticed, into the gutter. Miracle-bus passenger Ryan Hooks was interviewed on the scene, saying, "She might be dead, but the real story is how I'm alive. Print that."


Shue is survived by her father and three co-mothers.

Local Man, 25, Dies from Shame

Ryan Hooks, a regular subway rider and generally nude man, died of shame last Thursday when a rider on the W train told him to "put some goddamn clothes on, for god's sake." According to other passengers, this comment caused Hooks to become immediately aware of his own nudity and collapse on the dirty, sticky floor in shame, whereupon he smacked his head of the pointed tip of a passenger's knockoff Prada shoe and died of internal hemorrhaging. "I mean, I'm not surprised," said Janine Shue, a cleaning woman who cleaned Hooks' filthy house once a month. "I would often say things like, 'Oh, did you forget your pants again today?' but he always seemed to think I was making a joke. Maybe he needed glasses. The no clothes, that was not appealing."

The incident caused a five-minute delay on the Broadway Local train, causing subsequent reports of mass urination on Hooks' grave.

Woman Falls Into Mass Grave, Dies

Wednesday evening, authorities found local Astoria woman, Janine Shue, 46, dead on top of what appeared to be a massive Indian burial ground. Evidence seems to suggest that Janine went digging around where she shouldn't have, and found a huge mass grave of old, dead Indians. Authorities are still puzzled as to how Shue ended up dead on top of the grave; but Shue's old prison cell mate, Ryan Hooks, told police that Shue "often slips and falls for no good reason at all." When police told Hooks that Shue's lifeless corpse was found on a heap of Indian bones from hundreds of years ago, Hooks replied, "That sounds about right."

Shue's family requests that, in lieu of flowers, mourners erect a tacky memorial at a random New York City street intersection.

Woman Dies from Pencil Wound in Heart

A New York woman, Janine Shue, 24, died painfully yesterday from what appears to be a pencil wound straight through her heart. She was brought into the county general hospital and shortly after pronounced dead from number 2 lead poisoning. A suspect is in custody, Ryan Hooks, who has issued the following statement: "That was a goddamn vampire."

Funeral arrangements are pending a prolonged custody battle between Janine's bitterly divorced parents.

Young Man Killed by Octopus Disguised as Hat

A young Astoria man, Ryan Hooks, was killed Monday when an octopus disguised as a hat turned out to be a man-eating octopus and not a hat at all. "I was there delivering his Manic Monday special," said Janine Shue, his dedicated pizza delivery girl, "but when I rang the doorbell, all that answered was a headless torso. I think it was him, because he always wore those old stained Nikes. Maybe it wasn't him, though. I hope not. He was a good tipper." Blood tests later confirmed that Hooks was in fact the man in question. The octopus was not found.

Mourners will pay their respects to the headless torso this Wednesday at Chuck E. Cheese on 5th and 33rd.

Smallish Woman Eaten by Larger One

Yesterday, Janine Shue, an Asian woman in her mid 50s, was eaten by a larger, younger Brazilian woman in her Astoria apartment. Janine's roommate, Ryan Hooks, found a pair of bloody knit gloves still containing Janine's old hands when he returned from his volunteer work at the Willingly Homeless shelter. "When I walked in, I knew something was wrong, because there was a large, twenty-something Brazilian woman in the apartment who looked like she'd done something wrong." When Hooks searched the apartment, he found the gloves, as well as other signs of struggle, including teeth marks in the wood floor. "I asked the Brazilian woman what she was doing in the apartment, and she said 'Nothing,' and then I said 'It doesn't look like nothing.' And then she finally fessed up," said Hooks. The large, brown woman did not resist arrest, but twenty minutes later claimed to be "hungry again."

Friends of the deceased are asked to register any outstanding debts with the small claims court.

Office Worker, 42, Dies of Something or Other

Ryan Hooks, an office worker at some building in a largish city somewhere, died Friday morning of either a disease or an accident. Coworkers looked surprised at first, then showed consternation when they realized that Hooks was not the coworker they were thinking of. "Him?! That guy who always wore those shirts?" exclaimed Janine Shue, a woman who answered phones or something at the same office. However, the man next to her confirmed that no, Hooks was not in fact the guy who wore those shirts. "Well, fuck," said Shue. "That probably sucks. Unless Hooks was an asshole. Which he undoubtedly was." She then excused her nondescript self to go get her eighth cup of coffee for the day.

Friends and acquaintances are asked to donate to the office lottery pool in lieu of sending flowers.

Smart Car Outsmarted

Janine Shue, 19, died Monday after driving her Smart Car off a cliff in California. Friends and family were shocked at the news and, at first, didn't believe police reports. "She would never drive a stupid fucking Smart Car," said friend, Ryan Hooks. "The only way Janine would ever get in a smart car would be to...outsmart it. Oh, shit. Oh my god... Wait. Yeah. That...sounds about right. She really is dead, then, I guess."


Services will be held at a parking lot in New Jersey.

Man, Too Old, Impaled by Own Breakfast Fork

Ryan Hooks, a too-old Astoria man, was impaled Sunday by his own breakfast utensil. "He was just there, stuffing his fat gay face with bacon and some cheeselike thing when all of a sudden he missed his mouth, and the fork went right into his eye," said Janine Shue, Hooks' regular breakfast friend. "It was unbelievable. He fell forward and drove the fork in deeper. I never knew plastic silverware was capable of killing a man." Hooks was taken immediately to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead on arrival.

Hooks is survived by Arthur, his cute mutt dog and only redeeming quality. Donations for his pauper's funeral accepted at the St. Matthew Church for Non-Jesus-Hated Gays.