Woman Slain by Sleigh

In an ironic collision between language and mortality, a 41-year-old New York woman, Janine Shue, was slain by a runaway sleigh last Wednesday. Witnesses in Central Park said they saw Shue meandering, some say ambling, aimlessly near a snow-covered hill when someone screamed "Look out!" Shue did not look out and was brutally run down by a sleigh covered in decorative barbed wire. Her corpse was taken out of the park on top of a horse, as her native Asian custom dictated, and laid upon a pile of garbage in New Jersey for three nights. Mourners, such as neighbor Ryan Hooks, came by and paid tribute to the body in his own native custom by spitting on it. Hooks told reporters, "I didn't really know her at all. But there's all these people out here, so I came to see what was happening." Asked if the spitting represented something specific to his culture, Hooks said, "What? No."

Shue's body will be laid to rest, according to custom, in a giant cinder block and sunk into the East River at sundown on the vernal equinox.

Hypochondriac Dies of Everything

In an unusual medical case, Queens resident Ryan Hooks, 40, caught every single disease and died Wednesday, after a brief, fruitless battle with "I might be getting a sore throat; I'm not sure. It's probably just depression." After the AIDS, cancer, ebola, pinkeye, lupus, and whooping cough ravaged his system, Hooks caught a broken leg and tripped in the street, where a taxi hit him just as he suffocated from SIDS. Hooks' dog walker, Janine Shue, showed little reaction upon hearing the news, except slight annoyance. "Well, that's typical. What the hell do I do with this damn dog now? I'm not Asian, you know." Shue was clearly Asian, another disease Hooks had briefly caught.

If anyone wants Hooks' plants and Ikea bookshelf, they will be put out on the curb this Saturday at 1 p.m.

Area Woman Creates Vacuum, Nature Abhors, Woman Dies

Local theoretical physicist Janine Shue, 35, died yesterday in an apparent attempt to destroy the fabric of the universe. Her lab partner, Ryan Hooks, told police that Shue was "trying to figure out a way to create a vacuum big enough to destroy a city. Instead, she just destroyed her own torso." Scientists at the scene said that if Shue had been more successful, she could have ripped a hole in the fabric of space-time, possibly destroying the Earth. Hooks, visibly sad, responded to the scientists, "She'd have liked that."

Donations can be made, in lieu of flowers, to any research facility furthering the efforts of human annihilation.

Man Attempts to Mate with Bear, Is Killed by Bear

In a poorly planned maneuver, Astoria resident Ryan Hooks, 35, attempted to Biblically love a polar bear at the Central Park Zoo. After briefly mounting the bear, he was torn to shreds and eaten summarily. Shocked onlookers were torn between their desire throw up and their desire to masturbate at the spectacle. According to onlooker Janine Shue, who chose both options, it was "the most nauseating, sexy scene I ever bore witness to at the zoo. Well, at this zoo, anyway." She then excused herself to use the nearest private washroom. According to the zookeeper, this event was a mixed blessing, as they were out of the bear's favorite dog food anyway, and Trader Joe's was all the way at the other end of the stupid island.

A wake featuring Hooks' bloody pinky-finger bone will be held at an undisclosed midtown location for gawkers and aspiring documentarians.

Recent Wave of Death Claims Another Victim

New York resident, Janine Shue, 68, is the latest victim of the recent death wave sweeping the globe. She died moments ago in her Astoria apartment, but will not be found for a few days, when the stench will cause suspicion among her neighbors. Authorities continue to struggle with the recent bout of dying that people are doing all over the place. Recent sexual client of Shue's, Ryan Hooks, told police, "I just don't understand it. One minute she was here, providing me comfort and deviant sexual gratification, and now she's gone. It's senseless." Until the death wave passes, authorities are urging everyone to stay inside and inhale the fumes of a fire made of money and fish scales for protection.

Shue is survived by everyone else.

Cougar Killed in Wild Cougar Attack

Woodstock resident Janine Shue, a self-described "real cougar", was killed today after an unfortunate encounter with a wildcat escaped from the Forsyth Park Zoo. Shue, who was discovered with multiple lacerations to her face, neck, and chest, had crammed her ample frame into a top that stated she is a "Sexy Bitch", low-rise jeans that revealed her multiple stretch marks from three kids, and spike heels. Animal Control stated that her garish, age-inappropriate garb "almost certainly" contributed to her death.

Onlookers stated that Shue primarily tried to defend her hairstyle and her knock-off Prada bag, which she picked up on Canal St. in New York City last month. As of this time, the cougar is considered at large and a hero.

Local Man Masturbates Self to Death

Area loner Ryan Hooks, 34, of Purchase, NY, died Thursday of a collapsed prostate and acute losernerditis after a prolonged struggle with internet pornography, loneliness, and social awkwardness. Hooks was frequently seen haunting local Gamestops and Microsoft Stores, often sobbing uncontrollably when employees failed to engage in his desperate attempts to reach out to another human being. Increasingly his social interactions were limited to pizza delivery services and his credit card company, which often issued overlimit fees for Hooks' estimated 78 pornographic website subscriptions.

Hooks is survived by his mother, who was quoted as saying, "Who?" when told of his death. He has bequeathed his estate to his XBox 360 and Kate Mulgrew, best known for her role as Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager.