Ancient Woman Shot Trying to Break In to 20-Year-Old's Dorm Room

New York woman Janine Shue, who looked to be ancient but was maybe something like 40ish, was shot and killed Thursday as she attempted to break in to a military cadet's dorm room. As she attempted to climb the fence around the school grounds, her rear end, saggy from age and Cheetos, got caught in the wires, and the school guards shot and killed her, eager to pretend they were at war. "Well, I thought she was Charlie," said cadet Ryan Hooks, "or at least some sort of Commie sympathizer. No one can be that old and foreign-looking without having some sort of Communist sympathies. Sir!" Apparently, Shue made the attempt under the misguided attempt she'd be "getting some" from the cadet in question. Later, it was discovered that the dorm janitor had logged in to the cadet's account and booty-emailed his ex-girlfriend.

Funeral services will be held Saturday, where 21 cadets will pants Shue's coffin simultaneously. "Communists like these kinds of young, supple asses," said Hooks. "This is sort of our way of apologizing."

Dead Man Found Completely Not Alive

Area local, Ryan Hooks, was found face-down on a street corner, seemingly completely not living. Authorities were called when several people had shouted at him to "move the fuck out of the way," with absolutely no response. Passerby Janine Shue said, "I did everything I could to get him to move. At first I just sighed really loudly, hoping he'd get the point. Then I called him a prick and told him to get the hell out of my way. Then I started hitting him with my backpack. Nothing. He just wouldn't move. Stupid jerk." The lifeless body was finally taken away by police after having collected almost $17 in his up-turned, bloodied hat.

Police confiscated the money and will use it to partially fund the funeral service, which is being held at an undisclosed subway platform.

Small Woman Loses Weight, Dies

Astoria woman Janine Shue, 19, lost 100 pounds over the holiday season and died Tuesday, local authorities reported. Shue, who began the holiday season at 105 pounds, had gastric bypass surgery, which she used in combination with a strict celery and low-fat water diet to lose the weight. "By the end, she was pretty much just a kidney and a couple of gallstones," sad Ryan Hooks, her longtime mailman. "Her bones were nothing more than two-dimensional drawings. It was sort of disturbing. She seemed happy about it, though, right before she died. She had a phobia of anything lard-related, including herself."

Funeral services will be held at the McDonald's on 21st Street and 31st Drive. Mourners will be permitted to order anything off of the dollar menu at a discounted rate.

Astoria Man Stung to Death by Ants

Ryan Hooks, 28, a local Astoria resident and avid ant-farm haver, met with an untimely demise on Tuesday when his embarrassingly large collection of ant farms were destroyed and the ants stung and ate his body. Police are still uncovering evidence, but it appears at this point that a chain reaction set off a series of events that caused all of Hooks's 97 ant farms to fall over, releasing hungry, resentful ants into his home. Neighbor and apparently crazy person Janine Shue told the coroner's office to check for AIDS, claiming she just wanted to hear someone in her life utter the sentence "It's not AIDS; it's just ants."

Hooks will be laid to rest in a thin glass case covered in ants and dirt, as per his family's wishes.

Woman Slain by Sleigh

In an ironic collision between language and mortality, a 41-year-old New York woman, Janine Shue, was slain by a runaway sleigh last Wednesday. Witnesses in Central Park said they saw Shue meandering, some say ambling, aimlessly near a snow-covered hill when someone screamed "Look out!" Shue did not look out and was brutally run down by a sleigh covered in decorative barbed wire. Her corpse was taken out of the park on top of a horse, as her native Asian custom dictated, and laid upon a pile of garbage in New Jersey for three nights. Mourners, such as neighbor Ryan Hooks, came by and paid tribute to the body in his own native custom by spitting on it. Hooks told reporters, "I didn't really know her at all. But there's all these people out here, so I came to see what was happening." Asked if the spitting represented something specific to his culture, Hooks said, "What? No."

Shue's body will be laid to rest, according to custom, in a giant cinder block and sunk into the East River at sundown on the vernal equinox.

Hypochondriac Dies of Everything

In an unusual medical case, Queens resident Ryan Hooks, 40, caught every single disease and died Wednesday, after a brief, fruitless battle with "I might be getting a sore throat; I'm not sure. It's probably just depression." After the AIDS, cancer, ebola, pinkeye, lupus, and whooping cough ravaged his system, Hooks caught a broken leg and tripped in the street, where a taxi hit him just as he suffocated from SIDS. Hooks' dog walker, Janine Shue, showed little reaction upon hearing the news, except slight annoyance. "Well, that's typical. What the hell do I do with this damn dog now? I'm not Asian, you know." Shue was clearly Asian, another disease Hooks had briefly caught.

If anyone wants Hooks' plants and Ikea bookshelf, they will be put out on the curb this Saturday at 1 p.m.

Area Woman Creates Vacuum, Nature Abhors, Woman Dies

Local theoretical physicist Janine Shue, 35, died yesterday in an apparent attempt to destroy the fabric of the universe. Her lab partner, Ryan Hooks, told police that Shue was "trying to figure out a way to create a vacuum big enough to destroy a city. Instead, she just destroyed her own torso." Scientists at the scene said that if Shue had been more successful, she could have ripped a hole in the fabric of space-time, possibly destroying the Earth. Hooks, visibly sad, responded to the scientists, "She'd have liked that."

Donations can be made, in lieu of flowers, to any research facility furthering the efforts of human annihilation.