Old Lady Killed By Toddler's Adorable Face

After warning everyone around her several times that this toddler's face was so cute she was going to die, Janine Shue finally did. Reports indicate that Shue's body imploded, causing her organs to liquefy and making the suspected toddler, Ryan Hooks, cry. When asked why he would do such a thing and didn't he like Old Lady Janine and what kind of little boy would be such a little jerk to kill a nice old lady, Hooks sobbed, "I am bad?" Authorities and parents told Hooks to go to his room and not to come out until he'd thought about what he'd done, not even to go number 2.

Shue's body was collected in a mason jar and will be secretly stored in Hooks' bedroom until its eventual tragic discovery.

Man in Wheelchair Gets What's Coming

NYC paraplegic and generally dickish resident Ryan Hooks finally got what was coming to him last Wednesday when he died during a recent stampede in Union Square. Hooks was often seen cutting off pedestrians in the plaza in his motorized wheelchair while making rude gestures and muttering obscenities about minorities and "fatties." Wednesday's stampede was notably localized near that one statue where Hooks would park his electric wheelchair and tell passersby to "lose some goddamn weight you lazy Indians." Organic, breast-fed duck-egg-vendor Janine Shue commented, "I have never seen anyone as miserable as that asshole in the wheelchair, but nobody deserves to die like that. All trampled on his face and stuff in the Farmer's Market. Cold."

Hooks' body will be thrown into the East River and his wheelchair salvaged for parts by Dominicans in an illegal shop on the Upper West Side.

Local Fraud Still Alive Despite All Outward Signs of Death

Los Angeles resident, Janine Shue, was found seemingly dead in her apartment after a long and noisy battle with ennui. Neighbors were sure she was finally dead and called the authorities who, upon viewing her body, confirmed her death. It was only when the body arrived at the morgue did someone notice her eyes open and noises coming out of her moving jaw. Coroner, Ryan Hooks, said, "We were stunned because, well, she is totally dead. I mean, look at her. That's dead." Despite the body's protestations that, no, it was still alive, and a brief but mostly feigned struggle, it was finally lain to rest in a local cemetery.

In lieu of flowers, the body has requested donations be made to "something that does things for people...I don't know. Yeah."

Ancient Woman Shot Trying to Break In to 20-Year-Old's Dorm Room

New York woman Janine Shue, who looked to be ancient but was maybe something like 40ish, was shot and killed Thursday as she attempted to break in to a military cadet's dorm room. As she attempted to climb the fence around the school grounds, her rear end, saggy from age and Cheetos, got caught in the wires, and the school guards shot and killed her, eager to pretend they were at war. "Well, I thought she was Charlie," said cadet Ryan Hooks, "or at least some sort of Commie sympathizer. No one can be that old and foreign-looking without having some sort of Communist sympathies. Sir!" Apparently, Shue made the attempt under the misguided attempt she'd be "getting some" from the cadet in question. Later, it was discovered that the dorm janitor had logged in to the cadet's account and booty-emailed his ex-girlfriend.

Funeral services will be held Saturday, where 21 cadets will pants Shue's coffin simultaneously. "Communists like these kinds of young, supple asses," said Hooks. "This is sort of our way of apologizing."

Dead Man Found Completely Not Alive

Area local, Ryan Hooks, was found face-down on a street corner, seemingly completely not living. Authorities were called when several people had shouted at him to "move the fuck out of the way," with absolutely no response. Passerby Janine Shue said, "I did everything I could to get him to move. At first I just sighed really loudly, hoping he'd get the point. Then I called him a prick and told him to get the hell out of my way. Then I started hitting him with my backpack. Nothing. He just wouldn't move. Stupid jerk." The lifeless body was finally taken away by police after having collected almost $17 in his up-turned, bloodied hat.

Police confiscated the money and will use it to partially fund the funeral service, which is being held at an undisclosed subway platform.

Small Woman Loses Weight, Dies

Astoria woman Janine Shue, 19, lost 100 pounds over the holiday season and died Tuesday, local authorities reported. Shue, who began the holiday season at 105 pounds, had gastric bypass surgery, which she used in combination with a strict celery and low-fat water diet to lose the weight. "By the end, she was pretty much just a kidney and a couple of gallstones," sad Ryan Hooks, her longtime mailman. "Her bones were nothing more than two-dimensional drawings. It was sort of disturbing. She seemed happy about it, though, right before she died. She had a phobia of anything lard-related, including herself."

Funeral services will be held at the McDonald's on 21st Street and 31st Drive. Mourners will be permitted to order anything off of the dollar menu at a discounted rate.

Astoria Man Stung to Death by Ants

Ryan Hooks, 28, a local Astoria resident and avid ant-farm haver, met with an untimely demise on Tuesday when his embarrassingly large collection of ant farms were destroyed and the ants stung and ate his body. Police are still uncovering evidence, but it appears at this point that a chain reaction set off a series of events that caused all of Hooks's 97 ant farms to fall over, releasing hungry, resentful ants into his home. Neighbor and apparently crazy person Janine Shue told the coroner's office to check for AIDS, claiming she just wanted to hear someone in her life utter the sentence "It's not AIDS; it's just ants."

Hooks will be laid to rest in a thin glass case covered in ants and dirt, as per his family's wishes.