Old Lady Killed By Toddler's Adorable Face

After warning everyone around her several times that this toddler's face was so cute she was going to die, Janine Shue finally did. Reports indicate that Shue's body imploded, causing her organs to liquefy and making the suspected toddler, Ryan Hooks, cry. When asked why he would do such a thing and didn't he like Old Lady Janine and what kind of little boy would be such a little jerk to kill a nice old lady, Hooks sobbed, "I am bad?" Authorities and parents told Hooks to go to his room and not to come out until he'd thought about what he'd done, not even to go number 2.

Shue's body was collected in a mason jar and will be secretly stored in Hooks' bedroom until its eventual tragic discovery.

Man in Wheelchair Gets What's Coming

NYC paraplegic and generally dickish resident Ryan Hooks finally got what was coming to him last Wednesday when he died during a recent stampede in Union Square. Hooks was often seen cutting off pedestrians in the plaza in his motorized wheelchair while making rude gestures and muttering obscenities about minorities and "fatties." Wednesday's stampede was notably localized near that one statue where Hooks would park his electric wheelchair and tell passersby to "lose some goddamn weight you lazy Indians." Organic, breast-fed duck-egg-vendor Janine Shue commented, "I have never seen anyone as miserable as that asshole in the wheelchair, but nobody deserves to die like that. All trampled on his face and stuff in the Farmer's Market. Cold."

Hooks' body will be thrown into the East River and his wheelchair salvaged for parts by Dominicans in an illegal shop on the Upper West Side.

Local Fraud Still Alive Despite All Outward Signs of Death

Los Angeles resident, Janine Shue, was found seemingly dead in her apartment after a long and noisy battle with ennui. Neighbors were sure she was finally dead and called the authorities who, upon viewing her body, confirmed her death. It was only when the body arrived at the morgue did someone notice her eyes open and noises coming out of her moving jaw. Coroner, Ryan Hooks, said, "We were stunned because, well, she is totally dead. I mean, look at her. That's dead." Despite the body's protestations that, no, it was still alive, and a brief but mostly feigned struggle, it was finally lain to rest in a local cemetery.

In lieu of flowers, the body has requested donations be made to "something that does things for people...I don't know. Yeah."